Lessons to be learned
It's amazing the expectations we create...of ourselves, others, the life that's around us. Either we expect others to meet our standards, understand us and the ways that we work, expect people to never meet our standards. We always have to have a reason, an explanation, a justification, a validation for whatever we do or whoever we are. "Know thyself." Fucking up is, more often than not, inexcusable when it affects other people. But when it happens to us, we're to accept it as a part of life (if it's even acknowledged by that other person). Let's face it, we all do it at some point or another. Either we mess up and hope that people will understand and let go of our mistakes, or someone else screws up and they expect us to let go and forget about it.
The person I was a year ago and the person I am today are different, the same, and related in some way that I don't even understand and can't really begin to explain. I wasn't perfect then, I'm certainly not perfect now. I can give you the reasons today for the things that I've done in the past, but that doesn't mean that I still think it's the right thing to do. There's a lot of shit I know in this world, and while I put up a confident front, don't think I know everything and don't be fooled into thinking that I think I know everything. All my life I've heard "Be the best you can be." All my life I've only heard "Be the best." In trying to be the best, I've always tried to be perfect, especially in my relationships with people. More often then not, in some way or another I fuck them up. I open aspects of my life to people that are sensitive, then I get scared and either retract all together what I've said or I never talk about it again, thus ignoring that it ever was discussed.
Over-compensating. I think that's what it is that leads wise people to fuck up big time. I'm by no means boasting when I say I'm not an idiot. Lacking in common sense, too frequently sometimes. But I'm not stupid, and I have the psychological assessments to prove it, thanks to my church. I'm not sure why I present myself this way or act this way, because when I look at it from a logical standpoint it makes no sense. I often feel that I need to be all things to all people. Not in some dramatic way, but in a realistic way. The perfect friend, the perfect youth leader, the perfect residential counselor. I think it's pretty much because I feel inferior to other people, and therefore feel that I need to overcompensate.
I look at the people around me and see the good things in their lives. Not in a materialistic way, but their qualities. Geniuses, magnetic personalities, good looking people, wise people, compassionate people. The list goes on and on. Then I look at myself and say "There are good things about me, too." Only I have to dig through all my glaring faults to find something that's "ok" about me. Good looks? Nope. Muscles? Uh, not really. Brains? There's something up there, but what really?
So what's all this got to do with the title of this entry? I guess it's that life is a big classroom. Only when we leave life do we "graduate." By that I mean that I expect that I'll be learning about myself and the world around me until the day I die. Each day is an opportunity to grow, to change from who we were to who we could someday become. Hopefully all for the best. Yeah, I'm a little depressed, but I'm also angry, sad, happy, confused, tired, at peace, comforted, and hopeful. Most important to me right now is the "hopeful." I'm hopeful that I'll learn from my experiences in life and take them to heart. I'm hopeful that when future situations arise where I want to make others comfortable at the expense of my own, that I won't enter into "flight" mode. Rather, enter into "fight" mode. Not fight with them, but fight for who I am and maintain true to the person that I am, regardless of my own feelings. Whether I'm gay, straight, or something in between. Whether I know it, don't know it, or have only a vague clue about it. Whether I like it, hate it, or have only a passing interest in something. Life's not black and white, so why should people be? At the same time, respecting the dignity of others. We shouldn't be who we are at the expense of other people, but just be who we are. Period.
Note: I understand that this rambles for the most part, but it's nearly 3 am. Just so you know.
All God's abundance be with you,