A Failure Raised Up

Lessons to be learned

2006-09-05T02:10:00.000-04:00

It's amazing the expectations we create...of ourselves, others, the life that's around us. Either we expect others to meet our standards, understand us and the ways that we work, expect people to never meet our standards. We always have to have a reason, an explanation, a justification, a validation for whatever we do or whoever we are. "Know thyself." Fucking up is, more often than not, inexcusable when it affects other people. But when it happens to us, we're to accept it as a part of life (if it's even acknowledged by that other person). Let's face it, we all do it at some point or another. Either we mess up and hope that people will understand and let go of our mistakes, or someone else screws up and they expect us to let go and forget about it.

The person I was a year ago and the person I am today are different, the same, and related in some way that I don't even understand and can't really begin to explain. I wasn't perfect then, I'm certainly not perfect now. I can give you the reasons today for the things that I've done in the past, but that doesn't mean that I still think it's the right thing to do. There's a lot of shit I know in this world, and while I put up a confident front, don't think I know everything and don't be fooled into thinking that I think I know everything. All my life I've heard "Be the best you can be." All my life I've only heard "Be the best." In trying to be the best, I've always tried to be perfect, especially in my relationships with people. More often then not, in some way or another I fuck them up. I open aspects of my life to people that are sensitive, then I get scared and either retract all together what I've said or I never talk about it again, thus ignoring that it ever was discussed.

Over-compensating. I think that's what it is that leads wise people to fuck up big time. I'm by no means boasting when I say I'm not an idiot. Lacking in common sense, too frequently sometimes. But I'm not stupid, and I have the psychological assessments to prove it, thanks to my church. I'm not sure why I present myself this way or act this way, because when I look at it from a logical standpoint it makes no sense. I often feel that I need to be all things to all people. Not in some dramatic way, but in a realistic way. The perfect friend, the perfect youth leader, the perfect residential counselor. I think it's pretty much because I feel inferior to other people, and therefore feel that I need to overcompensate.

I look at the people around me and see the good things in their lives. Not in a materialistic way, but their qualities. Geniuses, magnetic personalities, good looking people, wise people, compassionate people. The list goes on and on. Then I look at myself and say "There are good things about me, too." Only I have to dig through all my glaring faults to find something that's "ok" about me. Good looks? Nope. Muscles? Uh, not really. Brains? There's something up there, but what really?

So what's all this got to do with the title of this entry? I guess it's that life is a big classroom. Only when we leave life do we "graduate." By that I mean that I expect that I'll be learning about myself and the world around me until the day I die. Each day is an opportunity to grow, to change from who we were to who we could someday become. Hopefully all for the best. Yeah, I'm a little depressed, but I'm also angry, sad, happy, confused, tired, at peace, comforted, and hopeful. Most important to me right now is the "hopeful." I'm hopeful that I'll learn from my experiences in life and take them to heart. I'm hopeful that when future situations arise where I want to make others comfortable at the expense of my own, that I won't enter into "flight" mode. Rather, enter into "fight" mode. Not fight with them, but fight for who I am and maintain true to the person that I am, regardless of my own feelings. Whether I'm gay, straight, or something in between. Whether I know it, don't know it, or have only a vague clue about it. Whether I like it, hate it, or have only a passing interest in something. Life's not black and white, so why should people be? At the same time, respecting the dignity of others. We shouldn't be who we are at the expense of other people, but just be who we are. Period.

Note: I understand that this rambles for the most part, but it's nearly 3 am. Just so you know.

All God's abundance be with you,
fru

Too busy, too exhausted...

2006-07-03T20:28:00.000-04:00

That's how I feel. I thought that things were going to loosen up this summer. I thought I'd be spending most of my time outside of work being able to hang out with friends, CPA-ers, relaxing, preparing to move to Virginia in T-minus 5 weeks. But apparently that's not the case. I'm getting lost in commitments, things that need to be done, and feeling burnt out. The faith thing's doing alright. I still love Jesus, still desire to walk by His side. But as far as everything else goes, I don't have the energy. Maybe it's the heat of the summer sapping it all or maybe I'm just looking forward to moving onto the next stage in my life, hoping that this is what God is calling me to do at this point.

Speaking of which, I'll be honest with you guys. I'm a little nervous about moving to Virginia. Ok, maybe "scared shitless" is a better way to describe it. I know all of 2 people there, and am going to be studying some pretty tough stuff. I have a lot that I have to live up to, even if it's all just in my head. I feel as though I need to prove to myself, my future classmates, the school, and everyone else that this is where I belong. And I have no idea how to do it other than by just going down there and doing the best I can. For me, this is uncharted waters. I'm going to be flying by the seat of my pants, hoping that I'm doing the right thing.

I don't know if you guys ever go through times like this, where you're heading into a great abyss, an unknown, a potential black hole, but that's how I feel. I have no clue what lies beyond the current horizon. I have an idea of what it might be like, but I won't truly know until I'm in up to my knees. I feel uncertain, nervous, scared, doubtful, unworthy. I feel like I need to vomit a whole lot of crap out of my system, but all I'm doing is dry heaving instead. I need a whole lot of help from Jesus. If this is God's desire for me, then things will work out better than I can imagine. It's all very humbling.

I guess I don't really have any words of wisdom or inspiring stories to share today. I think I just needed to vent this. Maybe you can relate to some of the things that I'm feeling. Or maybe you just think I'm an ass by now. Either way, keep me in your prayers. I'd really appreciate that.

God's love to you all,
fru

Me, You, Life, and Relationships

2006-06-09T14:08:00.000-04:00

"A pharisee is hard on others and easy on himself, but a spiritual man is easy on others and hard on himself." - A.W. Tozer

I was online just a few minutes ago looking for some meaningful quotes from Christian authors and theologians and the above quote from Tozer was listed under the catagory "Character". I thought to myself, "Holy shit. How many of us live too often as a pharisee and too infrequently as a true 'spiritual man?' What about me?"

I'm not writing this with the intention of raggin' on the rest of the world, but rather confirming my own need to look in the mirror and accept the truth that there are times that I'm harder on others than I am on myself. Because of the way I am, I have to explore this idea. The last thing I want to be identified as is a hypocrate or as someone who hurts others. If there are times that I've been harsh on someone, I apologize and seek your forgiveness.

This quote also serves as a reminder to me that life is a journey for each one of us. We each arrive at points of growth in varying stages of our lives. I often look around at the people in my life and see that some are well ahead of me, or well behind me, or standing almost right next to me. To accept God for the great being that God is, I have to be able to accept that God works in each person differently for His and their own purpose and reasons. If a person appears to further along in thier journey than I am, then that's how God has led them. None of us should get hung up on where someone else is in their life, or how successful someone is, or how well they've achieved their goals. We all should just be focused on how we're doing at achieving our own goals. Hopefully we're making these attempts with an unselfish heart.

Relationships, I think, are different. To be in an intimate relationship, I believe two people need to be in the same area of their journeys. That doesn't necessarily mean that they both have to be successful business people, or both be students. A woman's goal may be to marry a man and raise their children as a homemaker. If she finds a man who's thinking the same thing, that's awesome. However, if a man meets a woman and he doesn't want kids, but she does, then that's a recipe for disaster.

None of us really stop our journeys until our deaths. We're constantly moving on the path of life. If we connect at an intimate level with someone who's at a different place, it too often leads to frustration, anger, confusion, and disappointment for both people. Some people may have some overtly negative traits that makes them undesireble to be in a relationship with, but that's not the only reason that someone shouldn't be in a relationship with a particular person. We're all built in such ways that we become one with our life partner to journey through life with that person and to share each other's experiences with an intimate level of care and concern. I believe in strict monogamy, but I don't know that there's just one person out there for each of us over the course of our entire lifetime. I think people come in and out of our lives for whatever reasons.

So, to end my ranting, my advice to you (and something that I'm going to try to keep in mind) is this: if you're in the beginning stages of a relationship or if you've been in one for some time, take time for you and your special someone to look at yourselves individually and as a couple. Compare things, see where each person is at and what your lives are like. We don't have to be at the exact same point in life as our significant other, but we should be close. If not, it might be better for each person to go their separate ways.

I hope all this makes sense. If not, don't hesitate to drop me a line.

God's peace,
fru

Let us pause for a moment of honesty...

2006-05-07T22:38:00.000-04:00

So I just visited VTS (Virginia Theological Seminary) this past weekend for an interview. I spent the day with a couple of good friends who are students there and their peers. Needless to say, I was quite overwhelmed by being surrounded by a punch of preists to be. The spiritual knowledge they have acquired amazes me. And makes me jealous.

In all honesty, though, I'm feeling kinda low. I think it's because I see the world passing me by, and it really feels like I can't grab onto it and keep up. I see my friends moving forward in what God has called them to do, and I feel like I'm just not.

I dunno...that's all I've got. I know God loves me, and that His Will for his life will be done...somehow. I'm just not feeling it right now.

Anyway, keep me in your prayers. I just need God to show me what's going on.

God's love, peace, and joy,
fru

Follow-Up to "Heading Out on a Call"

2005-09-11T00:45:00.000-04:00

I returned today from my journey down to Louisiana. We wound up not going to New Orleans. We expected that we wouldn’t be able to get into the downtown area shortly after we began to discuss the idea. Instead, we decided to head to Louisiana let God direct us to where we were needed. Rather, that was my decision. Kyle just wanted to go down and see where we would wind up.

The night before we were to head out, I did some estimating of what the gas costs would be. I averaged $3.50 per gallon of regular unleaded. The trip was going to be almost 1200 miles one way and take roughly 18 hours. I guessed that the gas would wind up costing us over $450, at least.

As the trip began, I spouted out a few prayers: gas would cost less than we had anticipated and last us longer than hoped for (since our finances were thin), the 6 or 7 construction zones we would be passing through would be as inactive as possible, and that the Holy Spirit would lead us to a place to minister and stay overnight.

Let me share with you how the Lord answered my prayers.

We began our trip in southern PA. Here, the gas prices had already climbed to $3.39 per gallon of regular unleaded fuel. The highest price once we left PA was $3.19. The average cost of gas on our trip was $2.59(ish). Of the 6 or 7 construction zones we passed through, only 1 was active. It only slowed us down from 80 mph to 75mph.

Now here’s the cool part. We drove down with no set destination, no contacts, and no idea what we’d be doing (as I said). Well, we arrived in Louisiana, just across its boarder with Mississippi, and had to stop for gas. As I went in to pay, Kyle chatted outside with a lady who was filling up a 30 gallon drum and asked her where we should go. She said if we really wanted to help people, the lakefront was the place to go. The lakefront is directly across the bay from New Orleans. So that’s where we headed. We exited the highway and as we were driving, saw a sign for an Episcopal church. We headed to the church, only to find it closed with no one around. We decided to head into the nearest town to try to find a phone book, which should give a name and number of the rector in its yellow pages. This brought us to the lakefront. We parked the car and got out. I stood on the lakefront, trying to see New Orleans, while Kyle wandered around to check out some of the damage.

As I was standing there, a woman in a blue mini-van, named Stephanie, pulled up and got out. I suddenly felt an urge to go talk to her, but repressed it, thinking it was impulse. Despite my hesitancy, she approached me and struck up a conversation. I told her our story and she said that she works in a local school and last school year had a student teacher whose step-father was an Episcopal priest who’s church is in New Orleans, but has a home outside N.O. in the town of Abita Springs. She volunteered to take us to his house, and that maybe he would be able to guide us from there.

Twenty minutes later we arrived in Abita Springs and were introduced to Fr. Bill Terry, rector of St. Anna’s Episcopal Church. St. Anna’s is located in the poorest section of New Orleans. Fr. Bill didn’t hesitate to take us in, invite us to dinner, offered to provide us the use of his home while we were in Louisiana, and promised to take us to the local town hall to find us work. True to his word, the very next day he found us an opportunity to help out in Covington High School, Covington, LA, where the Red Cross had set up a “Special Needs” station where they were aiding Katrina victims who had medical needs. We were put in the kitchen and it didn’t take long for us to get plugged in to the needs of the community. In addition to cooking and cleaning dishes, we spent a lot of time with some of the victims, listening to their stories and often, just giving them a new ear to talk to.

My prayers, and I know many others’, are extending out to God on your behalf, victims of Katrina. May your days be filled with hope, and your nights be filled with peace.

God’s blessings to all…victims, relief workers, and those who care for both,
fru

Heading Out on a Call

2005-09-04T03:17:00.000-04:00

So now I am without a full time job or regular hours. I had planned on taking classes full time this semester, but that is not what God is calling me to do. I've known this for several years, but instead chose to take the easy road towards God's call for my life.

I chose last week to drop my classes, work off some debt, and apply to a solid Christian college or university for next fall. Unfortunately, several weeks ago, back when I was still planning on attending college this semester, I told my employer that I wouldn't be working full time this semester and now my position has been filled. So now I have all week with nothing scheduled in stone.

My friend Kyle took this week off from work (starting Tuesday, actually) to drive out to California. However, his plans fell through. Now there are two of us without anything to do for the next week.

Kyle wandered up to me late last week and told me about his empty week coming up. He then followed this up by commenting on how we ought to drive down to New Orleans. With gas prices now approaching $3.50 a gallon for regular, I was incredibly hesitant. However, I brought the scenario before God for several days and each time, I felt a stronger urge to follow through with this plan.

Neither Kyle or I have very much money, so there's the question of where the gas money is going to come from. I'm the only one with a car and Kyle can't drive stick shift, so that leaves me to drive all 1180 miles.

However, I feel strongly that God is calling us to do this. I don't believe in coincidences. As Jon Bon Jovi said, we'll be "livin' on a prayer."

Hopefully, I'll be able to use my wireless internet card in order to post updates during our time in New Orleans, but if not I will write them down and post them daily when I get back.

Keep everyone that's involved in disaster relief in your prayers: victims and resuers.

God's blessings,
fru

A Teenager, an Oil Change, and a Lesson from God

2005-09-02T14:35:00.000-04:00

It never ceases to amaze me how much we can learn from God, if only we allow ourselves to be open to His messages. We can learn so much in even the simplest of things in life.

On Tuesday, I made arrangements to teach a 17 year old boy from my youth group how to change the oil in his car. It's a fairly simple process, but it's a skill a person can use for a life-time.

I arrived at his house around 4:30 in the afternoon and began the process by putting his car up on his jack. Next I drug him under the car with me and showed him where the oil filter and oil pan are located. I explained that first, the bolt in the oil pan should come off to drain the oil out, then remove the filter and replace it. So, after making sure that I told him which way to turn the wrench to take off the bolt, I let him begin.

He sat under the car for a good 5 minutes trying to turn that bolt, but it just wasn't giving. So I gave it a whirl. After a few exhaustive minutes and finding that the bolt was almost completely stripped, I suddenly realized that I had told to turn the wrong way and was, in fact, turning the wrong way myself. I was utterly embarrassed, but we shared a good laugh. I now had to come up with a creative way to get this bolt off because, if for no other reason, it so damaged that it needed to be replaced.

So I grabbed a nearby socket wrench and found an attachment that was slightly smaller than the bolt. Next, I grabbed a hammer. I then proceded to hammer the attachment onto the stripped bolt. After a couple of tries, I was able to get the attachment to pick up enough of a grip to turn the bolt and allow the oil to flow forth from the underside of his car. The bolt and the attachment, however, were a lost cause. They were now one object, and I'm sure that neither of them are going to be the same after this mess.

In an only half-joking manner, I turned to him and said, "You know, there's a lesson about God in this." Doubtful but laughing, he looked at me and said, "Oh yeah? What's that?" After thinking for a second I responded with "Turning a bolt the wrong way is like turning away from God. We're stripped of all that defines us as a creation of God. That bolt will never be a good bolt again. It's going to have rounded edges for the rest of it's existance. And not only that, but now needs the extra help of that attachment if it's ever going to properly. That attachment is for the bolt what Jesus is for us. We screw up all of the time, but Jesus comes into our lives over and over again and does what He needs to do to make us into what God has created us to be. If the bolt is going to work again, that attachment is going to need to stay on there. And likewise, if we are going to live the life that God has called us to live we need to keep Jesus at our sides for help."

Half-joking and spontaneous, but so incredibly true. I wish I could be this profound all of the time, but in actuality I realize that it's a profoundness that only God can grant when He chooses. It's nothing I have done or can do. It's solely what God can do and say through me.

That's the lesson...take it as you will.

May God grant you a joyful day full of His teachings,
fru

God's Work in a Failure's Life: A Lesson in Patience

2005-08-25T13:51:00.000-04:00

I'm not a great Christian. And this blog entry has nothing to do with how great I am going to become. Rather, I'm writing this in hope to show you how great God is and how great God has become in my life.

Over the course of the past few days, God has taught me about pride, humility, patience, accountability, and love. It's more then I asked for, but it's truly amazing!

Patience was the toughest for me to truly grasp ahold of, and I am by no means perfect in the patience catagory (or any other catagory, for that matter). Yesterday I drove for over four hours in order to spend time with some friends at their house and along the way, I casually asked God for a lesson in patience. I honestly didn't think anything of it, really, but last night as I set myself aside to be with the Lord, I was struggling mightily with becoming focused and more importantly, struggling with why God was not meeting with me at that time. I searched within myself to see what might have been interfering with my time with God. The problem was I was not waiting patiently and quietly for the Lord to be present and respond. My mind wandered; I became easily distracted. I tried to figure out what I could "do" to bring the Lord to me. So I desided to play some praise and worship music in my CD player and try to refocus on the Lord.

Then it hit me like a ton of bricks, in the first song, even. The problem was that I wasn't waiting patiently for the Lord to become present and responsive. My mind was wondering, and I was becoming easily distracted. I was trying to force God to be with me, rather then allow God to move at His will, in His timing. Once again, it had become about me, not the Lord.

I want to say, "you better watch what you ask for," because on the tailcoats of every lesson comes a lesson in humility. And it is humbling, but it's what I need to grow in my faith and to be a better servant for Christ. If I am truly dedicated to pursuing God, His desires, and His desires for my life, then I need to humble myself before the throne and accept the "tough" lessons (which, of course, are tough only in the flesh). These lessons are great for me in the spirit, because they draw me ever closer to God. And I'll praise His name as long as I have breath in my body to speak, for Your's is the Kingdom, O Great God, and Your's is the will that shall be done.

More on God's teachings later.

May God's Spirit be the guide of your life,
fru

Coming Soon...

2005-08-24T02:45:00.000-04:00

Soon I will begin work on how Jesus raised this Failure back to purity and righteousness, not by anything that I've done or accomplished, but solely through the work of the Savior, Jesus Christ.

Pray for me that my pride doesn't interfere. Pray for me that I do not become side-tracked. For I feel that God has placed it on my heart to write write about my experiences re-encountering Him.

In peace we pray to You, O Lord, our Strength and our Redeemer.

God's blessings go with you throughout your days and nights,
fru

The Fall of a Failure

2005-08-23T16:03:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how the world can take over a person's life, and they don't even know it. I'm at a loss for words. I've let so many people down. I've let myself down. Worst of all, I've let my God down. I thought I was close to Him, but I couldn't possibly be further away.

Last night, God broke down the walls that held my world together. I saw pieces of these walls fall like big, flesh-colored boulders. I don't believe that it's a coincidence that my walls in my vision were flesh colored. I've finally realized that I am controlled by the flesh, not by the Spirit. I allow others in my life to impact me. I seek after desires that bring joy to my body. Point blank, I'm a sinner in the dirtiest way. I find myself, even now with this newfound revelation, hesitant to make amends, to fully bring God into my life. I'm reluctant to give up what little contol I still have in my life.

I'm struggling with shame, guilt, and embarrassment. I know God forgives without hesitation to a seeking heart, but I'm still tied to the flesh. I know I need to seek forgiveness from my friends and those who have cared for me in the most Christian-sence of the word, but I'm hung up on "saving face." I'm too weak, but I know God can break me of this. The first step is taking my position next to Humility, aknowledging my faults and short-comings, and allow God to guide me and strengthen me from that point on. It's my fervent prayer that God will sustain me during this time.

I've dug myself a deep hole. I'm rolling in debt, have little to no money, my true friends have abandoned me (or have I pushed them away?), I am surrounded by people who don't love me because I'm a child of God, but rather love me for what I can do for them, am frustrated with the church and haven't attended regularly all summer, and I'm heading in directions that I honestly don't feel called to head in. I feel like David when he was crying out to God in the Psalms. I feel like Job, whose life crumbled around him. However, the difference was the God tested Job, I have fallen away.

I still believe that God can work mightily through me...once I relinquish control. I feel that God has called me to ordained ministry. I still believe this. However, I feel very strongly that now is not the time. I still have 2 years worth of credits to go yet before I can earn my bachelor's degree, which I need before I can go on to seminary. However, my major right now is Secondary Ed., which I don't feel at all called to study. I feel pushed into it because it will get me closer to my goal. But is it worth the time, effort, and money? No. I dont' plan on ever using it. So why go to such lengths? If I want to commit my life to Christ, as I say I do and now truly desire, I should sink my resources into something that is centered on Christ.

I can see so much of my life more clearly now than I have been able to in a long time. I can see how much of my life is out of control. And I have a great desire to take back the control, but at the same time, know that the control must be handed directly over to God. Deep down inside my heart, I know that this is not a two step process - me take control, then give God the control - but rather a one step process - give God the control. I know that if I have the control, I will be incredibly hesitant to give it up. However, if I just give it all directly to God, I will hopefully be able to avoid having that taste of control and therefore keep my temptations at bay. This is my prayer for now.

Last night, I realized that I can't walk this journey on my own. And at the same time, I realized that my faith isn't at a point where I can trust myself to fully trust God. I need someone in my life who will hold me accountable, who will be honest with me. I need someone in my life who won't sugar coat that which needs to be fully heard in all of its painful truth. My search begins now to find someone that will walk with me, who will take me to meet this Christ whom I've heard so much about. I will meet Him face to face.

Pray for me. This will be a long, hard road to walk. Pray that I continue to open my life to the Lord. Pray that I do not fall blind to this world again. Pray that my heart will be centered on Christ.

As Christ has died for me, so Christ has died for you.
fru

Return of the F.R.U.

2005-08-22T15:40:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I last posted. Almost 4 months, to be exact. A lot has happened since I last posted, and I'll do my best to convey to you how God has been working in my life. The Grateful Dead put it best by saying, "What a long, strange trip it's been."

Future topics may include:
Life in the Church
Dealing with Difficult Clergy (gasp!)
A Bishop who Cares
Holy Friendships
The Answer to "Why"

More to come when I'm focused and intentional.

May the God of the Righteous One be with you,
fru

Seeing the Love

2005-04-29T11:10:00.000-04:00

Her name is Betty. She's a waitress at the diner that my crowd frequents. She's wonderful. She knows what I drink and my favorite meal. In fact, she's got about 10 of our favorites memorized. She has practically adopted us and doesn't hestate to treat us as her own, for good or for bad. She's even threatened to walk out when a manager tried to throw us out (for playing cards, mind you). She's been there over a decade and is the most experienced waitress they have. She gets livid when anyone threatens our time there. She's become like a mom to most of us.

She's also lived one of the most hellacious lives that I've ever encountered. She has five children and works hard to make ends meet. Her husband, instead of skipping out on them, refuses to work. He collects disability, but blows it all right away on the drink and gambling. His way of "supporting" them is by beating everyone and everything in sight. Betty has come into the diner numerous times with bruises and black eyes. They received a dog named Liberty for their autistic son. By the sounds of it, this dog is amazing. It can turn on light switches, knows when to cross the street, you name it. He beat Liberty one time because she spilled over her food bowl. She was so scared that she pissed on his foot. Betty's 80-something year old parents live in the same apartment building as she does. "The Bat," as Betty has nicknamed him, has threatened to punch her father in the pacemaker.

Sure, Betty has run in the past. But he's always found her. One time, he sliced her tired and poured sugar in her gas tank, then made her buy a new car. We've told her to get a PFA (Protection From Abuse) order against him, but she knows that it's no good, and deep down, so do we.

Today, she's taking a bold step. She's moving out and taking her kids and Liberty with her. Here's the truly sad part. Here is how unjust this world has become: she can't even afford to move out of the same building. She's moving to the apartment upstairs. She's taken her lumps in life, she's learned from her bad choices, and she's lived through hell. She's always come out on top, but where has it gotten her?

She refused to add him to the lease agreement. Her hope is that he'll continue to squander away his disability checks, become unable to pay rent, and get evicted. But let's be honest here. If knowing that a PFA won't suffice, what good will moving a floor away do?

I give Betty a great deal of credit. It would be so easy to run to the booze or drugs, but she hasn't. Her kids mean too much to her. Every penny she earns at this dingy diner goes towards supporting them. She still remains positive and upbeat. However, I'm not naive enough to think that it's easy for her. I've seen her break down into tears. I've examined her mannerisms and know that it's all a facade that she puts on every time she comes to work. The worst part is, there's little any of us can do for her.

Oh, we've all tried to play the noble part. We've threatened to hunt him down and drag him to the police ourselves. Obviously we're not going to confront him verbally or physically. He'd wind up taking it out on Betty, Liberty, or one of the kids. Then we'd be responsible.

One of the great things about Betty is that she never hesitates to share her stories with us. They give us plenty of opportunities to give back some of the love that she's extended out to us. One time she comes up to our table and begins to tell us that one of her sons recently stole $70 out of her purse that she was saving for groceries. Remember, she's a waitress, so seventy bucks doesn't come easy. There's also no way for her to reclaim this money from her son. After all, look at the example that "The Bat" has set for them. Our hearts broke. We had no choice but to jump into action. The church where I'm doing my internship sells Giant Foodstore gift certificates as a fund raiser. For every $100 they sell, they make $5. I bought $80 worth of gift cards for Betty and left them wrapped up in a napkin with a note, in addition to our standard 50%-of-the-bill tip.

Through Betty, God has shown me that I don't have to save the world. I can't. Instead, I can just keep my eyes and ears perked, ready to extend the love of Christ in just a small way. Betty doesn't want to hear about the love of God, she's heard it all before. But I've seen her face when she's seen the love of God and it's an amazing sight to behold. It's rather cliche, but there truly is joy found in serving others. If moments like this were all I had to look forward to in life, I'd be set.

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,

fru

Yankee?

2005-04-22T13:13:00.000-04:00

I checked out Roger's blog today...he's more "dixie" and I'm more "yankee." I think that's accurate. He's defintely got a drawl...

Your Linguistic Profile:

65% General American English

25% Yankee

10% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

To Be, or Not To Be...Forgiven?

2005-04-22T11:26:00.000-04:00

The Bible says a lot about forgiveness. Old Testament Joseph forgave his brothers who sold him into slavery, King David expressed his joy in being forgiven by God for his horrendous acts with Bathsheba and against Uriah, and Jesus spoke of it when saying "turn the other cheek." Jesus also forgave Peter for denying him. Remember the crusifixion story? Jesus even forgave the people that killed Him.

But lets be honest, forgiveness is tough. What do you say to a mother who loses a child due to gang-warfare? What about to a child who loses a parent because someone else was driving drunk? Let's face it, there are things in life that are extremely emotionally and psychologically damaging. The issue is, how does a person get past these feelings?

Over the past two weeks, I have been bitten twice by the same 13 year old, the second one - received this past Monday - sent me to the hospital because it broke the skin. The area is still numb, by the way. Here is how this biter has affected me and those around me: it hurt like crazy, I had to leave work early to spend two hours in the hospital, our night shift guy had to come in 2 hours early to cover my leaving, my other co-workers had to pick up the responsibilities that I had to leave behind (therefore inconveniencing them). This pattern of events has caused me to become unable to trust him. So how does forgiveness fit into this? Who knows when he'll get pissed off and bite someone again?

It's fairly clear throughout the Bible that forgiveness is an undeserved privilege. I have done nothing earn the right have my sins forgiven through Christ's crucifixion. I wasn't even around at the time, yet I still get to reap rewards. So if this applies to me, doesn't also then apply to my biter? Of course. So that means that God has forgiven him. Am I therefore off the hook of having to forgive him? God's forgiveness is so much greater. So does it matter if I can or want to forgive him? Fortunately, yes.

Yes, it is important that I forgive him. Jesus taught forgiveness. He not only said "turn the other cheek," but also said to "love your enemies." Aren't our enemies people who hate us, or do us wrong? I think this applies to my biter. I don't quote the Bible much, but John 8:51 says "I (Jesus) assure you, anyone who obeys my teaching will never die."

Forgiveness is also joyful thing. Take a look at Jesus' parable of the lost son (Luke 15:30). The father, overcome with grief and hurt, rejoices when his son comes back home. His being able to forgive his lost son opened the doorway to allow joy to rush in. If he had kept the grudge, there would only be bitterness waiting for this son. The father would have rebuked him, scolded him, and denied him. Instead, joy was the father's response.

In the father's act of forgiveness, we can also see how forgiveness leads to rebuilding relationships. Relationships revolve around love. Clearly, this father allowed love to overcome his pain. Their relationship was on the road of healing.

So where does this leave me and my biter? My rule of life is to love all people (without exception) as Christ loves all people (without exception). Have I forgiven him? Yes, I have spent time with him, had a heart-to-heart, and helped him with his homework. Avoidence and ill feels would mean there is a lack of forgiveness. However, don't be confused. While I have indeed forgiven him, it is going to take time to rebuild the trust. Forgiveness, in a nutshell, means to forget (or "not to harbor ill feelings) the wrongs committed against you. However, it would be unwise to go through life blind to patterns of behavior. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you must constantly be in a position where you can be hurt over and over again.

Forgiveness, boiled down to it's basics, is to love the person unconditionally. But that does not mean you have to tolerate certain behaviors. Let's use God as an example. Isn't it true that God has unconditional love for his children? Yes. Isn't it also true that there are certain behaviors that God will not tolerate? Hello, Ten Commandments. We do wrongs, yet God loves us. While seemingly on opposite ends of the spectrum, they are intricately woven together to form something that Christians have come to know as Grace.

As Christ shared God's grace with the world, I will do my best to share God's grace with my biter.

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,

fru

Pros and Cons

2005-04-18T11:39:00.000-04:00

Whenever we have a dramatic life change, it's always good to weigh the pros and cons prior to making a decision. Whether it's marriage or preparation for one's death, there are always a variety of outcomes that might happen. I went through the most dramatic decision of my life two Thursdays ago, as a committee and my Bishop approved me to go on to become ordained. However, I'm now faced with another challenge. It's not quite as high up on the totem pole as becoming ordained, but it is something that's been weighing very heavily on my heart for the past couple of weeks.

I was first asked the question about religious orders back in September during my initial interview about becoming ordained. At the time, I wasn't quite sure what my interviewer was refering to, but later I learned that he was making reference to an order such as the Franciscans or Dominicans. I'm not Catholic, so I'm not all that familiar with religious orders. Granted, it took me 6 months to begin to investigate the religious orders that the Episcopal church had to offer, but once I did, I found myself face to face with a life-altering complication.

I started checking out probably the most common order, the Franciscans, which is modeled after St. Francis of Assisi. I found that I have a lot in common with how they view life and Christianity. The Franciscans look towards serving Christ by serving the poor and marginalized, by being peacemakers, active, and contemplative. The purpose joining such a group is to become assosciated and supported by like-minded people. That speaks a lot to me. First Order Franciscans are monks who live in a monestary. I'm not sure that I want to live a life like that. There's nothing particularly wrong with it, other than the lack of monestaries where I live. I want to stay here, so that makes the First Order out. The Second Order is for nuns, which immediately takes that out of the question. The Franciscans have a Third Order, which is designed for anyone, clergy or lay, married or single, but is not a monastic community. This is a possibility.

However, this weekend God brought me to a place where I just happened to meet an Episcopal nun. What a coincidence (or is that God-incidence?). So of course, I started to to talk to her. It started out purely as a desire to know more about religious orders, but grew from there. She said she was the founding nun of the Anamchara Fellowship. The first thing that she mentioned that really struck a deep chord is that they are centered around Celtic Christianity. Then she began to explain the vows to me: simplicity, fidelity, and obedience. Here's just a brief explanation of each of the vows:

Simplicity of Life: seeking to live without a spirit of accumulation and using all things with gentleness and respect.
Fidelity: living with integrity and faithfulness in the state of life in which God has placed you, striving for peace and mercy for all.
Obedience: being under the authority of the ecclesial jurisdiction of one's denomination and following the guidelines, customary and constitution of the Fellowship.

All of these I can relate to strongly. I don't seek to have all the latest gadgets. Quite honestly, I'm not very materialistic at all. I don't have the money to be materialistic. The Fidelity piece seems to incorporate the Franciscan model. And the Obedience is something that I strive for in many ways and will have to live out for the rest of my life since I'll be a priest. They are self-sustaining, which means that there is no monestary to reside in. Like the Third Order Franciscans, they are open to the married, single, ordained, or lay people.

Also, Anamchara is Gaelic for "soulfriend", which is how I view my relationship with God: a very deep, life-long connection.

Those are quite a number of pros for joining a religious order.

Here's the "con": I would feel slightly awkward going to class in a white robe. Of course, the Lord has seemingly conquored that fear for me by showing me pictures from the Anamchara Fellowship website where the members are not wearing their robes, but normal street clothes. Seems to me that this has turned into a pro?

One other con, which is totally selfish, is that I would feel awkward presenting this to my priest and Bishop, who both need to approve this.

Regardless, it seems like this has struck a very large, loud chord within my spirit. I meet with Fr. Ed tomorrow and maybe this is something we can talk about. Then, maybe I'll begin the process and see where God leads me through that. Nothing like jumping blindfolded off the cliff of faith, huh?

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,

fru

God Knows

2005-04-14T13:01:00.000-04:00

My good friend, Roger, sent me an email asking me if I was the creator of this site. So, of course, instead of immediately admitting it, I quizzed him on what made him think that this was my site. He sent me a list of items that I have included in my post and compared them to what he knew about me. We're about 4 hours apart, so we don't get to spend a lot of time together. But I realized just how good a friend he is when he started to list these items. Some of them I wasn't too surprised that he knew, while others did surprise me.

It's amazing what a person can learn over the course of just a few interactions. What's even more amazing is how much care and concern one person can have for another. Let's use Roger as an example. I've known him for around 3 years, but all-in-all, we've only spent about a month together. Yet in that "month", he came to know me as a tattoo-covered Scotsman who is involved in youth and childrens camps, a multi-pierced postulant for holy orders (I plan to become an ordained minsiter) who is falling in love with Celtic Christianity and works in a residential treatment facility. In other words, he knows my heritage, my passions, my goals in life, and how I currently do ministry. How many other people can say that they know a person this well? Usually it takes years to come to this kind of an understanding about a person, but Roger cares enough about the individual to get to know them this well.

Here's what we have so far: God created man...man multiplied through the centuries until we get Roger...Roger meets (the author of this blog)...Roger and "Blog-author" spend a little bit of time together...Roger comes to have a unique, but accurate understanding of Blog-author...Roger teaches Blog-author about God.

Here's what Roger taught me. Roger, while awesome, is not God. Take what Roger has learned about this one individual, and multiply that an infinite number of times. That's what God knows about this and every other individual. Here's my point: Roger mostly knows only the good in me, while God (knowing infinitely more) knows the good and the bad. Yet, as much as Roger loves me as a friend and brother in Christ, God loves me more, despite my less pleasing qualities. So much more, in fact, that he sent His Son, his only Son, to bring about a revolution. And instead of reaping in the glory he could have had here on Earth, he died a humiliating death so that I, and everyone else, might prosper spiritually. It's amazing.

Thanks for the lesson, Roger.

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,

fru

Ahh, the Celts

2005-03-29T12:53:00.000-05:00

Recently I've decided to update my collection of tattoos. So I started scanning the web to find some illustrations that really clicked with me. I'm not a big fan of random tattoos, or "in the moment" tattoos, but rather, I want something that I'll be able to appreciate for the rest of my life. So mostly, I stick to images related to my faith.

Finally, after hours of searching, I stumbled across the celtic image of the tree of life. Basically described, it's a trunk who's branches curve down to become the roots, intertwined in celtic knotwork fashion, so that the roots and the branches are one. Kind of a never-ending circle. I decided that in the middle of the trunk I want to put the celtic trinity knot, therefore bringing in the idea of just where the idea of "unending life" comes from.

So this got me on a Cletic Christianity kick. I've got Scottish blood coursing through my veins, so it's not like it took long. I have found that Celtic Christianity's outlook on life very beautiful. So much of daily life revolved around God, and the Celts made God a part of their every day life. I found this passage on a website that explains rather well how the Celts viewed Christianity:

"Celtic thought sees life as a journey. On this journey certain places are significant, they are "thin places", where God seems closer, places that invite prayer. Just as Jesus was drawn to the desert and the mountain top to spend time alone with God, many find that a journey to a special place becomes a landmark in life, a place of new beginning or of fresh resolve."

I can't help but think back to some of my "thin places" when I read this. The times when God seemed so close that I could have reached out and touched him. And I can't help but think of times when I had no clue where God was or how to find him.

But I've come to realize that it's the memories of these "thin places" that often keep me going during times of spiritual drought. These memories inspire me to thank God for ever being present in my life. They give me hope that throughout my days, God will continue to give me times of "thin places," times where his presence is so close that it's life changing. It's from this hope that I continue on the journey, through the best of times and through the worst of times.

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,

fru

"You're Not a Christian"

2004-12-10T20:52:00.000-05:00

This was said to me after a conversation with a friend who is agnostic. Pat and I were talking about Christianity and I was sharing my specific beliefs with him. I was quite shocked when he said this, especially because I'm in the process to become an ordained minister in one of the major denominations in America. So naturally, I had assumed that I had the whole faith thing pretty much together. Sure, my beliefs aren't all mainstream, but they are certainly not outlandish.

So naturally, I was quite miffed. I of course asked him to repeat himself. He again said, "You're not a Christian." I asked him what his reasoning was for making such a statement, especially after the conversation we had just had. His reply was "You're real. You're what I call a disciple." I was confused.

He proceed to tell me that every encounter with a "Christian" except for one had left him feeling like the whole faith was full of hypocrites. He had become scarred by the Christians in his life: the people who crushed his dreams because they didn't fit into their "ideal" lifestyle, the people who told him that he would be an unfit father if he and his girlfriend proceeded to have their child.

His experiences with Christians was less than favorable. The all too common side of Christianity is that we have come to have certain understandings of what God expects of us. Unfortunately, we tend to project these expectations upon our neighbors, whether they are Christians or not.

Pat's point was that Jesus was a human being. He had moments of despair, sadness, joy. Surely, Jesus had to have taken a shit now and again, wouldn't he? It's not something we care to think about when we think of our Savior, but he was human! He had human experiences. He shared our lives with us. Being a disciple, to Pat, was someone who lives out Christianity in the realities of todays world. Pat wants someone who can relate to him, to sympathize and empathize with him. Pat wants Jesus to walk beside him today.

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,
fru

Fling Wide You Heavenly Gates!

2004-12-06T11:09:00.000-05:00

Prepare the way for the risen Lord!

This is an awesome line from Matt Redman's song "Did You Hear the Mountains Tremble." It's not a Christmas song, but it's so appropriate for this time of year. During the Christmas season we who practice Christianity often light ritual candles, sing hymms, and give gifts. The four candles represent various "attitudes" such as hope and faith. They are good reminders of how the Light of the world (Christ) can guide us through life via these attitudes. Christmas hymms are by far the best of any music. Yes that is my opinion, so now it is doctrine. Gift giving can be a totally secular, sacreligious ritual, but it can also be a deeply spiritual one. Remember the Three Wise Men? The whole frankinsence, gold, and mirrh? They might not have totally understood what was truly going on, but they did what they thought was a good thing. They were celebrating a joyous occasion. They were giving.

But aside from the candles, hymms, and gifts, there is a far greater aspect to Christmas. This is a time of preparation. This was the time that God reached out to the world, in order to prepare them for the coming Messiah. God sent angels and prophets. But for us today, this is not merely a time of remembrance. This is not a time set aside in the church calendar to remember that God loves us so much that he sent his one and only son so that none would parish. For us today, this is a time that we need to stop what we're doing and put life back into purspective. John the Baptist was a great man. He was everything he shouldn't have been as a messanger of God. Messangers of God are supposed to be pleasant to view. They should be clean cut, well off financially, and live in (at least) moderate homes in suburban America.

John wore crappy clothes and ate bugs. He ranted like a madman. He lived in the boonies of Israel. He called people broods of vipers. Seriously, he would have scared the crap out of me. But he got it. He not only understood what was coming, but why it was so important.

The story of John the Baptist is often told during this time of year. It's his passion that draws us in. You can hear it in his voice. That's what I love about Matt Redman's lyrics: "Fling wide you heavenly gates! Prepare the way of the risen Lord!" Matt didn't say "Open you heavenly gates" or "Prop open" or whatever. "Fling" denotes a certain excitement, a certain energy. You can hear it in Matt's voice, in the word itself. It sounds like bulls are stampeding through the city. He's urging the people in the town to get those doors open ASAP! That's the way we need to live in anticipation of Christ's return. Excitement, joy, knowing what we need to do both in the community and in our personal lives. The time has come to search out the Creator of the universe and prepare for the arrival of the Glorious King. Prepare the feast tables of your hearts. Clean up your houses, the temples in which our Saviour resides. Turn to him and seek a rekindling of a relationship that has been neglected for days, weeks, months, years, decades. Turn to Him now before he returns like a thief in the night: unknown and unprepared for.

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,
fru

The Light Side, the Dark Side, and the Padawan

2004-12-04T20:16:00.000-05:00

Ed has been a good friend of mine for about ten months now. He's great. Very insightful, intellegent, kind, gentle, loving, the whole nine yards. He's also my spiritual director.

We first met at a weekend retreat for a group of 70 teenagers that I'm on staff for annually. Immediately I knew there was a purpose in our meeting that week.

Ed and I have been meeting once a month and we talk about various things that are going on in my life at the time. Most of the time he just listens, maybe adding an annecdote or two. Today, he gave me a rude awakening.

Over the course of the past ten months, he's gotten to know me fairly well. Among my various duties, I'm a director for a children's camp that runs for a week over the summers. I've was a youth leader for five years. My point is that I've had quite a bit of leadership experience.

He started out this portion of our meeting by having me reflect a little bit on the idea of "our greatest strengths can become our greatest weeknesses." I knew this was more than just a thought to ponder. He basically said that I am like the Anakin Skywalker (pre-Darth Vader) of ministry. He said that I have very strong leadership characteristics and can do a lot of positive things in ministry, but that if it goes to my head, it could be a disaster. I can be stubborn, and if I have an opinion about something I'm sure to speak up.

He gave me several key pieces of advice:
1. Always keep Christ as my focus.
2. Listen to those who might disagree with me. It is easy, especially for people in leadership, to feel like they/we/I know what's best. Not true. Always be open to people who might not agree with you. You never know where the voice of God is going to come from.
3. Always act in humility. It's not about the me, it's about Christ and the people I minister to. It's easy for any spiritual leader to say "Christ told me/showed me..." If that's the case, aske God to show others so that there is verification and a concensus.
4. Always remember that our greatest strengths can become our greatest weeknesses.

Lord, keep me from becoming Darth Pastor. Keep me focused on the Light Side. Keep me focused on Christ and His vision for the world. Give me the openness to hear Your voice within the voices of those I might normally overlook. Remind me always to be humble. Amen.

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,
fru

Unprepared

2004-11-27T01:18:00.000-05:00

Ah, the irony of life. I had a wonderful experience tonight. Let me set the scene for you. Its definitely below 40 degrees, probably closer to 30. The heater in my poor car is not working. I've just gotten off an intense 8 hour shift at the residential treatment facility where I work. The drive is 45 minutes one way. So I'm cold, cranky, and tired. During the course of my drive home this evening I was informed by your average, friendly, neighborhood police officer that my driver's side headlight was "defective." In other words, it had burnt out. On top of all this, I had taken my insurance card out of my car some time ago. I spent a few minutes trying to convince the police man that I truly had insurance and that it was up to date.

I'll be honest, this officer really was a nice guy. He let me off with a warning, provided that I fix my headlight, show it and my proof of insurance to any random officer, have him or her sign off on a slip of paper, and mail it in to the borough office within five days. He must have had a lot of pity for me, because he told me that if I needed some extra time to give him a call and he'd get the time extended. Like I said, he's a nice guy. Just doing his job.

In reflection, this has taught me a little about how I ought to be in regards to my faith. When I got pulled over tonight, I was unprepared. I realized that I had become too busy to make sure that some of life's little, seemingly unimportant necessities were taken care of. I don't want to make excuses, but life is just generally busy: jobs, family, ministries, school (for those who attend), any semblance of a social life...the list goes on and on. For everyone, not just me. In fact, there was a book written titled "Too Busy Not to Pray." So in all this busyness, we are called to remain active in our faiths: prayer, reading scripture, attend corporate worship, etc. In other words, we are called to make sure the "little things that matter" are in order.

But the mere fact that "life is busy" isn't what I've learned from this experience. I've learned that in the midst of all this business I need to be prepared. Not just by praying or reading scripture daily, but in every minute ready to confront the accuser. In every aspect of life, ready to defend my faith against the many challenges that are presented to me. Road rage, it's such an easy temptation. No one except the passangers in my own would hear me, so what's the problem? The problem is, what if one day I have to explain this moment of weakness to my Maker? I'll have to come up with some excuse for why it was life-saving to rage, or whatever happens in any given situation.

In addition to the preparedness for life's little "incidents," there is the warning repeated over and over throughout the Bible. This warning is best summed up in Paul's first letter to the Thessalonians (5:2): "For you know quite well that the day of the Lord will come unexpectedly, like a theif in the night." (NLT) What this is saying to us is that we can't wait until times of despair to turn to the Lord. If we wait for those times, it is very possible that we could miss our chance to reconcile ourselves with our Lord. I've had many discussions with people who say that "God is too loving to send anyone to Hell, even if you don't really believe in or follow God." Sure, I suppose it could be possible, but why would you want to take the chance? Yes, in living out our faith in this world there are difficult, trying times. No, the path is not always easy or joyful, but I would trade 100 years of rough times for an eternity in glory.

My point is, and I want to make this really clear, that we cannot wait to turn to God. Christ could come back any second and we need to be as prepared as humanly possible! I don't want people to become paranoid or obsessive compulsive about it, we should go through life with the thought "what would Jesus do" in the back of our minds.

Just be prepared.

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,
fru

Taught By A Dog

2004-11-24T13:29:00.000-05:00

The other day I was driving through the city and about twenty yards in front of me a man, maybe in his 30s, and a dog ran in front of my car. For some reason I was already driving slow, but when I saw this pair I slowed down even more. As I watched them cross the street, I noticed that the dog was not on a leash. My first reaction was to shout at the man something to the affect of “Are you crazy!?” I’m a huge animal lover (I once considered being a veterinarian), and especially love dogs. However, I restrained myself.

I drove on for a few short yards before I stopped behind other cars at a red light. Out of my passenger-side mirror, I could see this man and his dog continuing to jog up the street. They quickly passed my car, turned the corner, and quickly crossed the street again. While not on a leash, the dog continued to run at the man’s heels, never straying. I soon became amazed at this sight.

As I turned the same corner these two had, it quickly became apparent how relevant this scenario is to our journey with God, or should be, depending upon how you look at it. We can play one of two roles. We can either be the human of this story or the dog. In being the human, we take charge and run where ever we want, while the dog follows close behind. Or we can be the dog, obediently following on the heels of a Professional Journeyman. We can either tell God that we know the way, or allow the Creator of the universe to show us the shortcuts, downhill paths, and roads to righteousness. Our options are to lead or be led.

I think it takes some humility to be a dog.

God’s peace, joy, and many blessings,
fru

What to do, What to do...

2004-11-22T21:20:00.000-05:00

About a year ago, our church had a meeting with our Bishop. It was in response to the outcome of the general convention where Gene Robinson was affirmed as Bishop. If you're not familiar with him, he is the gay man who was elected to the bishoprick in Massachusettes.

The Episcopal church is still realing from this. Many people feel that it is going against God's will to have a homosexual man in a position of authority. People feel that it is not setting a good example for our kids.

My response to them is to take the log out of their own eyes before they start bitching about the specks in others'. My response is that anyone who has not sinned can throw the first stone. Quite frankly, I don't care if homosexuality is a sin or not. The only sin I have seen singled out as being above others is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, and I'm not even sure that applies to us today. One sin is as bad as another. Everything that is a sin goes against the will of God. There's no grey area with sin. A person can't go against God's will "less" than someone else. A person either goes against God's will, or he doesn't.

Is homosexuality a sin? I don't know, and quite frankly, I don't care enough to let it affect my ministry. In this day, when the church is struggling to find it's place in the world, I will pray for everyone who is homosexual. I won't pray that they change, but rather I will pray that the world (AND ESPECIALLY THE CHURCH) exemplifies to them the love and mercy of our Redeemer.

My ministry is to love every person because they are a child of God. My ministry is to respect the dignity of each individual because they are my brother or sister, not because they believe in Jesus, but because we were created by the same loving Creator.

Not only will I pray for Osama bin Laden, but I will love him, too. I will love Saddam Hussein not because I supported his horrendous regime, but because he was created by a loving God. I will sit along side my homosexual brother or sister in the pew in my church because worshipping God together is more important and uniting than any issue that divides us.

the Lord bless you and keep you,
the Lord give you joy to sustain you,
fru

Patience, my friend

2004-11-19T18:42:00.000-05:00

So I just wrote my first entry, "So What?", and already I have something I'm going to add.

I just came back inside from throwing the baseball with my brother. He's aspiring to make a professional baseball team. Regardless of the odds of this happening, I've gotta give him credit: he's following his dreams. He knows it's a long shot to make a pro baseball team, but he's got a weapon few have ever mastered. It's called the "knuckleball." (A knuckleball is a pitch that is thrown that has virtually no spin or rotation. As it moves towards home plate, it'll move in all sorts of wacky directions, freaking out the hitter. It's based on physics, something I'm not in the least bit knowledgeble about.)

We've been practicing for a couple of months and I've got to admit, he's got it down pretty well. But the thing I learned about the knuckleball is that it takes patience. Everything about this pitch is contrary to everything about pitching. You hold the ball differently, release the ball differently, and even the arm motion is slightly different. When I played baseball as a kid, I was a pitcher. Not excellent, but decent. So in order to try new things, I've had to completely reteach myself how to pitch a baseball. I'm attempting to unravel years of knowledge in a few short months.

And that's the irony. Life, especially our relationships with God, is one big irony. We live years of doing our own thing, being accountable to a few close or important people, and basically have no worries. Then there comes a time where we feel that we are supposed to have a purpose. We feel like there's more to life than what's been going on. For some Christians, and especially myself, I feel like a failure every time I screw something up (can't quit smoke, swear like a sailor, etc, etc, etc.). Many of us have the head knowledge that Christianity involves patience. But seriously, how often are we greatful for things taking longer than we would prefer?

Fortunately, that's the beauty of it. Once we truly understand that faith takes patience and time, a great weight is lifted off our shoulders. We're no longer held accountable to our own expectations, but rather are allowed to screw up, fail, forget. Its part of the faith. Its a process of learning, growing, and most importantly, being patient.

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,
fru

So What?

2004-11-19T17:06:00.000-05:00

"So what?" is seemingly the question of the day. As I begin a process of sharing my thoughts with the world, or only with myself, I ask myself what the purpose of it is. As the title of the page suggests, I'm only human. And to be human is to fail and succeed at various times, and sometimes even overlapping.

Yes, I love Jesus, but I'm certainly no theologian. In fact, I've never been to seminary. But I've come to a point in my life that I can come to terms with the fact that no matter how often I fail or how dramatic the failures are, God always forgives. I've found that we often allow our failures to hold us back from having a close relationship with our Maker, but the New Covenant of Christ allows us to surpass our own short-comings and head into a continual path of love and redemption. It's in coming to realize these types of things that I can accept the fact that there will be times I will doubt God exists, be angry at God, or do the exact opposite of what I feel God would want me to do. I won't go through these times with a clear conscience, but sometimes shit happens regardless of our best intentions.

This is the first of hopefully many entries. If you read them and find something useful in them, that's awesome. Hopefully, even if you don't believe in God, you'll still find some use in reading my entries. If you disagree with something I have to say, don't hesitate to call me out on it.

God's peace, joy, and many blessings,
fru